date-a-jew-suggestions:

prismatic-bell:

date-a-jew-suggestions:

If you would report an undocumented immigrant to ICE you would have reported me to the Nazis and I don’t fucking trust you

A note:

I live in a state where you “have to” report anyone you suspect of being undocumented (that wonderful hellhole of Arizona). Now in practice this law has fallen far short, thank goodness. But if you live in such a place and they start enforcing it, here is how you get around it:

Assume everyone who doesn’t speak English is visiting.

Never ask about their job, because if they tell you they work here then you know they’re not visiting. You see them a lot for several weeks or months? Hm. Someone in the family must be ill. That’s terribly tough. They always dress in old, ratty laborers’ clothes? I feel you, my dude, I can’t afford new clothes either, and my dad has the fashion sense of an aardvark, so sometimes it’s not even about “affording” them. They say they’ve been here for years? You must have misunderstood. Spanish isn’t your first language, after all. First and last name? It never came up, or you don’t recall–you meet a lot of people.

And then, if you’re asked: no, you haven’t seen anyone residing illegally in the United States. Just people visiting.

Very good very important addition

(via pastrami-golem)

splattermemes:

as requested. Enjoy and feel free to make any changes ! more vampire starters here: x

in love with a mortal

• “There’s something you should know about me…”
  
• “I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
  
• “You look like a whole meal. Not–not because I’m–”
  
• “I don’t think you could handle being bed with me..like, physically..”
  
• “It’s not safe for us to be together anymore.”
  

mortal in love

• “If I can’t grow old with you, then I don’t want to grow old at all.”
  
• “I don’t care what you are! I love you for WHO you are.”
  
• “I told you, I like it when you bite me.” / “You need to eat, too.”
  
• “So…you won’t turn me?”
  
• “Let’s just think about tonight.”
  
• “You look pale…er than usual. What’s wrong, babe?”
  

in love for eternity

• “Happy 500th anniversary, love.”
  
• “Every kiss is like the first.”
  
• “I’m lucky to have my soulmate with me forever.”
  
• “I have no need for the afterlife when I have heaven on Earth.”
  
• “You still look stunning.”
  

it’s complicated for eternity

• “Making me jealous didn’t work in 1567 and it won’t work now.”
  
• “It’s been over a century, and he/she/they STILL hasn’t/haven’t proposed!”
  
• “We’ve tried breaking up before, but every time they think the world will end, I go running back to her/him/them.”
  
• “I’ve known you longer than America has been a country, and I still can’t tell what you’re thinking.”
  
• “Did you just call me by your ex’s name?!”
  
• “I can’t keep climbing into your bed. It’s about time I moved on!”
  

beefnap:

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

the human body is so fake like i’ll be reading the news and it’s like “25 year old woman free falls 1,500 feet into 25 feet of snow, found alive and uninjured” and while I’m absolutely reeling over that I don’t even have time to process it fully before I look at the next article “25 year old man falls into shallow end of pool, dies instantly.”

like our bodies literally have the durability predictability of an iphone

one time I misjudged how steep a “hill” was and proceeded to slide down the slope of a cliff for a full half minute and hit the bottom unscathed.

then I tripped on the stairs on my way to see Neon Genesis Evangelion and shattered my entire kneecap.

We have god mode or one hit K/O no in between

(via youarerageandserenity)

facemeetpalm:

TFW…

You’re writing a scene and you can’t help smiling because…this is either the best idea I’ve ever had…or the worst.

Originally posted by medeaminte

(via ladyspock7)